Hello Overit, A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. I have been married for 40 years this coming July. Masturbation in the case of a marriage where one party is no longer interested in having sex and actively resists any overtures along those lines would seem to be the logical course of action. Im 59, wife 63 and the big M has hit her like you have said it did you. It is more like a revenge. . If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy, says Gopa. I agree with Roger, I get more laughs, and more insight, from the comment section! Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. Most importantly, talk to her about it! I sure want too. Do you feel my wife never initiates intimacy? If shes not in the mood neither am I . Sigh . It will resotre his body as well and make you hapoier. An endocrinologist told me he had never seen that before. Here are some foreplay ideas for inspo. If it was the husband doing that wives would be screaming How dare You. We werent intimate back then, and a quirk of fate brought us together recently. My (50m) wife (48f) and I had a great sexual relationship for most of our marriage. Why would he ever have too? Im a 68, fun, attractive, domestic woman who loves intimacy. I know couples who watch it together and I believe my wife and her friend are closed minded and in denial of their contribution, or lack thereof in being that person who can meet the wants and needs of their husbands. You said, So my question to the men here. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. I want to turn things around and not give up but its a huge blow to what I thought marriage and my life would be. Never did I roll over and fall asleep, and always tried to give her an orgasm until I had one. I am 62 years old and a healthy man with sexual needs. Its at least mean . As for me, never. . I thank you for stating in so frank a manner every frustration that has engulfed me for over 40 years. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? I have what may be slight ED..but offered to stimulate and play at sex often..there are some really fun marital 5 Things to Do if Your Wife Never Initiates Intimacy Quick and fast is also good. But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. I dont have many helpful things to add but I am getting on with life, there is more to do than sit around wallowing in sexlessness. 10 years of this and going on5 years since last try, dont sleep in same be, snoring medical issues up down. Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. Guys. Having a regular marriage check-in can help you keep an eye on your relationship and ensure you are satisfied with how much time you spend together in the bedroom. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. ITS HIS POUTING and defeatist attitude! I have tried joint with promises of renewal and never worked. Leaving her is not an option. I think it is very selfish. But no sex. She snores loudly and we have different bedrooms. I was her first love. That was 20 years ago. Cancer is pretty much a death sentence. The question is, will we accept that fact, those facts, and act upon them in honorable fashion.? I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. Hes my best friend, the love of my life, an amazing Dad, my confidant and my everything. Feeling loved and getting affection, including sex is important to me. I would be gone before dark! The reasons behind why a wife avoids physical contact can range from marital discord to just being burned out, says Gopa. Havent had regular sex in years, just a HJ or BJ on 8 or 9 month intervals typically. She actually told me that my friend who went through a similar situation was in need of therapy because his wife caught him watching porn. On the flip side, it could be that your wife suspects you of infidelity and hence has lost her trust in you. contrasts what my Wife and her 7 siblings and and an unstable Mother made her as the oldest have us take in 2 of her brothers early in our marriage. Underlying medical problems Very sad!!! Tried all the hormones, the therapy, the talks, and yes, even the threats of stepping out if things dont improve. 1. EXACTLY!!! I am 79 and my wife is 75 and our sex life is as good as ever. Our house is free and clear which is due to my earning a lot over 30 years and being conservative with money. Hasnt been for decades. Just need the fortitude to go. Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. I get it and don't want to add to her stress. Hello David, Add to that some other longstanding unresolved low sex drive and relationship problems caused by their mate (me) in the past, and strict un_affectionate anti_sex parents in her upbringing. I mean how do you do that if your married? found that women had more difficulty staying focused during intimacy and lower arousal levels when under stress. I have joint custody with my ex. I would like to add that many women also feel a great deal of resentment which builds over time I had literally experienced everything you mentioned in your post and then I had a bilateral mastectomy and chemotherapy for breast cancer. Hey Mike, I dont think you need a woman, I dont think drugs and orgasm are the best ways to deal with the pain dealt to you by the tragic loss of your loved one. He feels unwanted or unappreciated. In long-term relationships, sex can be the fastest route for . Without this love, there isn't much for the relationship to stand on. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! And sadly that is not my situation. I dont know why Im still here. Her duty? Just do it to make her feel good. This so frustrating at times. State your case, either put out or leave me get some on the side, because you dont care. I Got tired of rejection and told her when she wanted to come find me she felt sorry for me and we tried sex toys and one was to big, hurt her but she tried but I could tell. 2. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. In other cases, when the in-laws are constantly meddling the resentment may make it seem like you have an unloving wife but shes actually just frustrated at the lack of privacy, says Gopa. oh when either of leave the house or return there is a generic kiss. Then if you still have to, decide. My wife lost interest in sex years ago. Technology is at an amazing point for this right now. That way both of our sex drive would be fairly low Im a good looking hard-working big hearted man and I immediately told her you better well I dont wanna hurt you. For everything there is a season. So, Im on my own unless I decide to cheat. First, do not deny your needs any more than you would deny yourself your favorite food, movie, book or music. Its one thing to have trouble with arousal, or other sexual difficulties. Honor us with attention and physical contact. There is some offensiveness directed towards men but I can benefit from your observations. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. But my wife was not. There is only one person I love adore and desire. I grew up ramming into me that Im there for husbands sole desire. Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. I have always been an affectionate person and have given affection but not received in return for at least a year. Glenn, as a man to another man; its time to let that person go. Think back to the time when you were dating. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. There are many exceptions, but if you dont want me let me go elsewhere. What we have Ive worked very hard to achieve. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. I remember when certain words did the trick. It is possible that a lack of sex may have shifted your focus on physical intimacy whereas a lack of emotional intimacy may be driving your wife away from the idea of sex. I love her. Now, I just want to be wanted by her. I have been married for almost 30 years and except for 3 wonderful children our sex life has been hit and miss. I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. You are absolutely right, foreplay is an ongoing and wonderful thing, but for most women, after menopause, and the estrogen dries up, sex becomes too painful because of the dryness. This is how civilizations are built. When your wife avoids physical contact, it could be because of resentment, 13. The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. Ive no where to go. I can literally be ready with just a thought. She always had 2 orgasms before me. Your situation is my situation ! Im pretty much in the same boat. Huddle up with your wife and ask, If there were something you could change about our sex life, what would it be?. What the heck! We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. ), then it's worth her talking to her doctor. Our online classes and training programs allow you to learn from experts from anywhere in the world. If your husband rejects your hugs, kisses, and touch, there's something wrong. Its all a crock. Mike it could be only your fault if you are not touching her! "The identity of a young parent can become entirely entwined with that of the children. 6. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. He sits around the house and watches tv all day long. I guess I must count my blessings. My 20 year marriage imploded because my husband completely lost his testosterone at age 55. Will, I dont see ruling the relationship and demanding that a wife relieve her husband, even if shes sore or unwilling, as a solution to anything except an unhappy wife. Being uncomfortable in their own skin and ashamed of the extra weight is a common reason why women start avoiding physical intimacy with their spouses. My wife determined several years ago that she no longer has that connection to me, and will eventually leave. */ Brilliant. Any discussion goes nowhere. Doing that just causes me to be resentful of her, and the fact that Im now reduced to doing this nasty little juvenile thing for myself. Should they swallow it just to make you feel good? I thought during the first couple of years of our marriage that I was imagining this but I now realize I wasnt (since he recently stated how we werent trying to procreate any longer, so why bother with sex.). If your wife doesnt feel attractive anymore, she may shy away from undressing in front of you. We still talk, but thats it. Men, if you want sex and the answer at home is no, you can accept that the last time you had sex will be it until you die. 30 years I kept saying to myself.itll get better Now I have ED. The comments given above is very true. We do love each other though. But no cuddling, spooning, showers, surprise hugs or squeezes, in bed we may as well be cousins or brother and sister as we just sleep on our own side and no touches. Then, I got a highly aggressive, estrogen- fired breast cancer. Laura. What to do about it: "You need to take the stress out of sex in three steps: Challenge your expectations, communicate effectively with your partner, and take the pressure off by using new physical experiences," Zimmerman advises. Marriage, pregnancy, childbirth, coupled with a sea of hormonal changes at different stages of life, can make a woman gain weight and send her self-esteem nosediving. I see my friend for an outing about 2X/month. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Were in a lifetime partnership. She would never agree to an open relationship and I shouldnt be unhappy. We have been Maries for 26 years. Tell her that you love her. I am now trying to get into health club manament and the barriers for that seem less difficult. 18 months later I was told NO sex, by the way we had not had regular sex for near 15 years, and Sexless for near 10. The guy is a magnet! I promised her I wouldnt embarrass her or shame her in front of family, friends, or church with an affair. */ He just isnt interested and blames it on his diabetes. Its not an option. Now its too late. If you guys love your wives and wanna stay till death and your having problems with containment, I lost all desire because I have no testosterone so its been a God send to me. Look, not to give your hubby a pass here, but please, understand that most men in our country, we who were raised in the 50s. When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. He is selfish, lazy and quite frankly a self absorbed narcissist. When theres a disconnect and communication gaps that lead to resentment, the hostility will make itself apparent in some way or the other, says Gopa. When she was in the mood, my wife really enjoyed sex and had great orgasms, but that mood hit less and less frequently. And we sacrifice ourselves for them. Shes particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. Perhaps your husband, as well as a few troglodytes posting here, are in need of some attitude adjustments, but you shouldnt paint all men with the same brush. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); The two C words! 16 years being married. Thats whats even more hurtful. 69 years old and no sex together for over 20 years..I asked her if she ever gets horny anymore like when we were dating..she flatly stated no, and if thats a dealbreaker so be it. Once we get a savings built up, we are going to enjoy life and enjoy ourselves even more. I desire foreplay and intimacy, not just intercourse. 2. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. She looks at it like I was cheating on her. Hmmm. . So, heres what I did. I so badly need a woman I dont look my age at all! You should know the truth brother. It is now marketers more to females also, which isnt improving relationships. We could be spontaneous. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. It will make you horny as hell, however. Is there anything I can do. Most women, especially in our age group, only experience responsive desire. I did some self searching and recognized that the marriage had been one of convenience and the love wasnt there for me. Who knows, maybe something will change as nothing stays the same. Neither partner should have to feel obligated to satisfy the other out of some outmoded quasi religious relief or instruction, my wife is wonderful in many ways but now has reached, she believes, a stage[67] where she has no desire, except release masturbation , thats my misfortune but I try to understand. I am 50 and she is 45 but she began having the same symptom that you described. I love her. Its not always the woman who has no interest. I think the resolve here is to tell the parent who is confiding in you to seek professional help, and then bud out. I dont think I would like my son or daughter tell me what to do in the bedroom. Should they chew the food and pretend it tastes wonderful? Id like to hear how you feel. He is ten years older. She started losing interest when our children were youngshed be OK with sex once or twice a month, and only when she was in the mood. Mental health issues dont appear out of nowhere for no reason. Its not that hes a bad person hes not but at this point hes kind of like a zombie. We have tried many times and many ways to lose weight, but his belly doesnt change much and hes passed his growing stage of life. 3. My husband and I both have gained weight. Recently, he has been distant unloving and disrespectful towards me. Take your time and show your wife youre not in a hurry. Weve been married for 37 years. Do this consistently, eat a mostly protein based diet and cut out sugar for 6 months and report back. Food, sleep, sex. My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. Although i had told him beforehand that if it didnt change I would get it on the side. Basically though, he refuses to talk about this issue with me or anyone else, namely a doctor/therapist, and claims he likes our life the way it is. Please explain to me. It is an axiom of mate selection in nature that males display and females choose. 15 Signs Your Wife Doesn't Love You Anymore - Luvze Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. I brought this up in premarital counseling. That old saying use or loose it.. My husband and I are working on these issues now, and it takes some serious ,painful discussion. So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. Color me confused. I wont lecture: youve all read about it. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. Best to all. What to do about it: Address the ongoing conflicts in your relationship. What shes done to me all these years was downright evil ! ( Keep cardio to a minimum and stay away from the weight machines) I kid you not. . We may as well sleep in separate beds at this point. Peace. My husband and I have been married 6 years. Really? One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Males are not embarrassed about describing a frigid or non sexual wife, but they will never mention their own lack of desire and often get angry if their partner inquires as to why? Haha Im not going to belittle my husband and make him feel less of a man when he is the one with impotence. I realize this rant may seem to be about my needs, but I think I deserve the right to a fulfilling life. When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. , motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. Its been over three months since weve had sex. But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. But it nearly tore us apart. BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! I mention this so that you may not assume Im ugly or out of shape. I never cared about sex when I was 35 or now at 76! Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. But many times women holds back based on how they are treated. Christi do us a favor and explain what you are talking about. This isn't a tit-for-tat sort of thing, though. The gender doesnt matter here, but if you have trust issues, its eventually going to lead to resentment. That feeling lasts for several days afterwards. That leads to I dont like you. I understand women loss interest but still love there husbands and dont want a divorce and most of the time its the same for the guy, I just wish women would be open to their husbands having discreet affairs, not prostitutes just flings. Zimmerman also recommends getting some time away from the kids regularly so that you can re-immerse yourselves in your identities as individuals and as a couple outside of your roles as parents. I am afraid Buck is correct. Equality sounds great in principle people should be equal, right? I suggest to you what I advised Frustrated see a therapist right away. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. Mates but l want to .feel loved , should l hang lt up and move on ty. If your wife never initiates affection, it could be due to any of the reasons listed above in this article. Thank you, great essay. Ive tried vacations, dates, sex toys, lubricants, vitamins, blah blah blah..when a gal is not sexually attracted to you and is generally more than willing to never have sex again cuz (insert the reason I dont understand here) shes not going to change at 70. // IMPORTANT: Replace EXAMPLE with your forum shortname! Withholding sex as punishment is hostile you deserve better. Sometimes I wish he would go. aids that i bought. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! Shes been mostly dry since a few years before menopause. I am not the same, never will be.